What is this feeling?
It is becoming unbearable
It is lurking
Inside of me, turning dreadful
It is the dark
It is my heart
It is tearing me apart
I can't decide what to do
Can all this be inside of you to?
It is becoming my worst craving
It is becoming tearful
It is becoming heartwrenching
What is this feeling
I ask you
And do you feel it to?
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
It becomes rather generic around the middle, which is a disappointment as it has the potential to become a light-hearted Dickinson-style word romp about the darkness inside mankind.
That's the bit that really ruins the effect, for me. This is clearly not a sad poem, it's a solemn, but almost quirky, bit about a dark feeling inside you, and it's hinted inside everyone. But then here you have bits that sound as if they were pulled from an emo song, or maybe some metal band. If that's what you're going for, then change everything else to fit that. But if it's not what you're going for (and I hope it's not, because the alternative leads to a much better and unique poem) then just change that one stanza so it goes along better with the overall feel and mood of the rest of the piece.
Hope I've helped.
~Aet
Nicely written, I think, but I have some minor quibbles.
"Can all this be inside of you to?"
"And do you feel it to?"
I think you mean "too."
"It is becoming my worst craving
It is becoming tearful
It is becoming heartwrenching"
I think you should rearrange the 'tearful' line. It is not the thing that is tearful, it's you, so maybe think about that.
Puncutation at the end of your sentences. The question marks are fine, but a few more commas and full stops might be in order.
All in all, an interesting read.
-Kelcia
Hi Lily.
The repetition in this poem is awkward and annoying. It's much too forced for the poem to breath and live. You've throttled your conventional idea with awkward, unflowing lines causing the entire poem to sink.
Also your lack of poetic devices leave no backbone to this poem either.
You're language was baseline decent which give it some core but you really need to work on this. Less generic idea, better flow, and stronger language. You need to make your words coincide with one another and lead into another, while you're idea makes the reader think and your language keeps them hooked.
All my best and keep writing,
Kamas
What I don't like is the repition of it is becoming in stanza 5 and the it is in the 3rd stanza. They aren't really needed. If you used commas and semi colins it would be shorter, better and more precise. And id like it better! (yay)
I do like your imagery. It is pretty okay. I also like that this is short and to the point.
Nice job. Keep writing. Good luck.
Silented1.
You have kind of strange line breaks here, which is annoying. I would suggest reading the poem through and picking up on places where you stumble or lose the beat. Those are the places you need to work on.
In addition, why not try making this a little less generic? Give the readers something that'll really, really make them connect with the speaker. At the moment they are kind of seeing the speaker's pain, but they aren't feeling it or empathising with her. Emotion, dear, is a very good thing to incorporate.
Hope I helped!
~Amy
First off, you've got the wrong form of "to" in two places. "Can all this be inside of you to" should be too, same with "and do you feel it to". I actually think that the whole poem would flow better if all of the "it is" were changed to "it's".
On the positive side, I adored your word choice! I loved your description of the feeling where you say "it is lurking/inside of me, turning dreadful". Definitely a great description throughout the whole poem!
It took me a couple of times reading this to understand it. It didn't flow very well in several places so I had a hard time following it. I think that one the line " It is tearing me apart." You should make it it's. There are a couple of lines that don't flow well but I am not going into that.